4.12.17

Introduction into a dark world.

Ever since the loss of my Dear Uncle to liver cancer, my eyes have opened to a whole new world. A darkened and scary world. A world where one word changes your life and those close to you, forever. From the time he was diagnosed to the time he took his last breath, only 3 months had passed.
The following is my process towards acceptance.

Photo Credit:http://fearandfortitude.com







This world is hidden to most of us. We are not aware of it until you hear that word.
Once you hear it, your world spirals out of control. You feel the ground shaking and you see things changing. Your struggle for understanding makes you sink into denial.
Oh but I wish denial was privilege in that dark world. There is no time afforded for such emotions.

You start thinking about solutions, you jump on the internet and try to find the best case scenarios. You scroll and click, scroll and click, scroll and click, until you fall asleep.
Dreams become nightmares and your heart fills with despair.
You ask yourself How is IT fair? How is THIS fair?
You want your loved one to fight, seeing them inspires you to fight, and so you put on your best gloves and stand behind them in the biggest fight of their lives. Still, you still think... how is this fair?
Every minute you get, you scroll and click, scroll and click, scroll and click until you fall asleep.
Days start to slow down, minutes become longer, you want every second to mean something. You watch them fight, you hear them fight and you think, we are fighters, we didn’t come this far to fall halfway.

Anger and frustration take root,
Fear and denial soon come next,
And you scroll and click, scroll and click and you think "this can’t be true, this one case is the different one. It is the case that will be part of the 20%".
Time slows down, but it is flashing by too.
You think to yourself “We need more time, if only we had more time.”
As you watch them getting weaker, you see them starting to realize that maybe this dark world won’t ever light up again. They speak to you as if they are saying goodbye, and you are still stuck halfway to reality and so you scroll and click, scroll and click, until you fall asleep.

Every morning, as your eyes open, you momentarily forget which world you live in now, for a brief moment, the world seems bright again. You take a breathe and by the fifth inhale, you find yourself in the dark world again. You have finally arrived.

You watch them fight, but you know they are no longer fighting for themselves, they are giving you time to adjust to what they already know. You refuse to give up, you think to yourself, "He will be part of the 12% or the 7% that survive " and so, you scroll and click, scroll and click until you fall asleep.

You open your eyes and something feels disparate. As your eyes come into focus, you see doctors, specialists, nurses. You see oncologists, machines and a hospital bed. The dark world comes into view and you hear it as dark as night: Cancer. Terminal.
Cancer. Cancer. Cancer
You see it as it is, you see it as it takes. You see the acceptance in their eyes and feel their soul as they let go.
Your heart breaks once more in view of the fact that, there will be no more, scroll and clicking and definitely no more sleeping.




To be Continued
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