7.8.15

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past


I've had enough time off... it's about time I came back don't you think? Sorry to my readers as I've been really terrible at staying consistent with my posts. I sometimes get writers block and it completely takes over. Also when life gets stressful, the writing block gets even worse. That said, I'm going to conquer it slowly and ease myself into this.

So, I started a series of posts about my past boyfriends. This is going to be a continuation of that series.

For privacy reasons, I'll call this new one Kyle.
 A long time ago it seems, I was sitting in my room and felt restless and frankly I felt like something was missing. I wanted someone to hang out with, a boy to kiss haha.. (I was young). I never was a party-er or went out that much so I was not meeting any new people in my life. I always found the guys my age a little too young minded for me to be honest and I wanted to meet someone a little older. So, I signed up on a website (I can't even remember the name). It was a younger version of Facebook. anyhow, I signed up and this boy Kyle started chatting with me. The conversation was flowing and he was kinda cute. Blue eyes, dirty blond hair, even tattoos. I liked the pictures, so after a few weeks of talking, we decided to meet. First impression, was that he was not as tall as I thought he would be. I love tall men... He was definitely cuter in pictures than he was in person BUT I still enjoyed talking to him and I went with the flow. We started dating but I very soon realized there was no szha szha szhu.... you know that exiting loving, drug-like feeling you have when you actually really like someone... I  don't know if Kyle could sense this because of out the blue, he stopped the calls and texts. To be honest, I didn't even miss him :o that was not a good sign.
A few weeks later though, Kyle decided he wanted to come back and I said yes. Why? I was naive and had trouble saying no. ( Which by the way is not the case anymore... I say No more than yes nowadays ah-aha)
It didn't last that time and we went on and off for months.

I don't know what was wrong from his point of view but for me it was clear he was not the guy for me. There were no fuzzy feelings whatsoever. It was almost like I just liked the company and didn't want to be alone... I was young. Kyle was nice though, he was a gentleman. He helped me move into my new place. He was a good boyfriend who was always there when I needed him. One time though, I caught him watching porn which was funny and probably embarrassing for him. I didn't mind but damn it was some messed up stuff hahaha my god. He had his moments of jealousy and I had mine but I always felt I did not care if he broke up with me. In fact, it always seemed as if I was always waiting for him to do it because I didn't have the balls to do it. One time, after breaking up for the umpteenth time, I had thought it was truly over and I wanted it stay that way. However, a month later, while I was work, my phone kept ringing to let someone in at my place. (The buzzer downstairs at my apartment was connected to my cell) I ignored the calls because I didn't know who it was. When I got home, I found a note under my door and roses in front of my apartment. It was Kyle and he said he had been waiting for me all day but had to leave because he didn't know when I would be home. He asked me to call him, said he missed me. I was touched. It was such a nice gesture but I knew I didn't want to go back. I figured if I didn't respond, he would understand what that meant but later that evening, he came back. I let him convince me how much he missed us and how getting back together would be a great idea, how things have changed and how it would be very different. To me, I did not understand what needed to change because I did not have any specific reason why it was not working. I said yes though (I should never had). The last few weeks were alright and we got along great, I just didn't know how to end it or if I should. I had never truly been in love and I didn't know how it should be... I just had a feeling something was missing.

How did it end with Kyle? I met the love of my life. Don't get me wrong, I did not cheat. We just talked on the phone and one night, we hang out and I knew for sure I did not want to continue with Kyle. (This is not the proudest moment of my love life). After the love of my life left, I tried to go to sleep but I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to end it with Kyle. It was 3 am in the morning and I wrote a text message explaining that I didn't want to be with him anymore, that we didn't love each other and that it was not fair for either of us etc. needless to say that he did not appreciate the wake up text. I was relieved and happy that it was finally over. I had finally done it. I learned a lot from that relationship. I learned to be more assertive and to speak up.

I once run into him and it was awkward. I think he's doing great now. I hope he found real love.


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